Sunday, May 6, 2007


I feel I need to diversify my interests for the sake of my sanity. Sam is a very busy person, with his familial obligations, his band, his wife and his precious sleep, he is very hard to hook up with on the weekends. Sometimes he ends up having to cancel our plans. I wouldn’t say that he blows me off, because that implies intent, but for some reason we don’t end up seeing each other, either due to my busy schedule or his. Usually I’m cool with this, but other times, when all I want is to talk to him, to kiss him, to see him just for a minute, it drives me absolutely nuts. I don’t doubt his attraction, I merely doubt his follow-through. For a person who seriously tries to make me laugh, to make me happy and to brighten my day, he surely has the power to sour my mood.

This is why I need to step back. I really don’t have problems with self-esteem. If I wanted to be worshiped, I could make that happen very easily with somebody else. I don’t know why I bother with this, other than my penchant for trying to get what I can’t have.

While savoring my torrid extra-curricular romps with Sam, I have sorely neglected my other pursuits. Although I see him nearly every day, I have completely neglected the flirtation I had going with Alejandro, the gorgeous, tall Puerto Rican “sensitive thug” type from the shop at work. He and I had made out once in the elevator, but that was about all that had become of it. I haven’t called Tommy, my favorite booty call, in nearly forever, he and I together used to be a regular occurrence. And there are more, believe me.

This is the conflict that I am faced with: I am actually bored with the sure thing. I am at a point in my life where I think that sex has to transcend the physical experience and reside somewhere in the mental realm just to be worth it. Before you start booing the reformation of a veritable slut, I must insist that I am not speaking of love by any means. I find love to be an exercise in falsities; the most fake of all emotions, based solely on an accident of hormones and chemicals. I am speaking of mental attraction, the thrill of the chase. I am always up for pure physical pleasure, but I find it to be much more interesting when I have to win it over.

Hence why all I ever truly want is what I can’t have. This explains my attraction for Sam, as I have yet to win him over entirely. I guess that is a good thing, because I would probably be bored with him by now. I think he knows this. I want him to be difficult on the one hand, but on the other I want to have him firmly where I want him. This is why I must diversify for a while. I am getting much too involved in this game of ours.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The elevator at work sounds hot. I haven't done that one yet, but it is something to think about. Sam sounds like a sweet guy and a hard catch...lucky you. And Tommy how could you forget your favorite?